Festivus

Do you remember the 1997 episode of Seinfeld where George’s dad starts the new holiday, “Festivus”? George’s dad was tired of the over commercialization of Christmas, so he created a new holiday. That is what I felt like doing last week when I was sitting in church when we received the yearly reminder that it was Father’s Day. Couldn’t we have a separate holiday for the rest of us? You know, like Festivus, but for those of us who had crappy, angry fathers? Or fathers who left and ripped the family apart? No matter what happens or how great life turns out, douchewaffle can never undo the harm he has done to the boys. Sometimes, I feel guilty because now, all these years later, I wouldn’t change his leaving for the world. It was the best thing he ever did for me, but it forever hurts his children. It can never be undone and there will always be scars.

You might think I am hung up on him. Like my therapist reminds me, “You are never divorced FROM someone, you are divorced TO them. Forever.” As a Christian woman, I don’t believe in divorce. This was never supposed to happen to my family. But it did and it is an awkward place to sit– in church next to intact families with great dads. My son and I sat through Mass and then went to Coffee and Catechesis in the church hall. He went to a friend’s for lunch and celebrated Father’s Day with his friend’s father before coming back home. Neither of us said word about it being Father’s Day to each other. We both heard the announcement at church. I guess you could say we celebrated Festivus instead. <laughter>

I thought about my own dad a lot this week. We don’t miss him. Sadly. I remembered how hard it was to find a Father’s Day card that JUST stated, “Happy Father’s Day”. Hallmark doesn’t make cards for crappy, alcoholic, abusive dads any more than they make them for the ones who abandon their families. I used to be upset that Douchewaffle and Whoredog continued to visit my dad and to make him more and more angry with me and with my sons. Now I get it. They are three peas in a pod. Once I realized (thanks to therapy!) that it isn’t normal for a father to become friends with the man who left his daughter AND the other woman, I then realized it wasn’t normal for any of their stations in life. If Marty tried to bring me to his ex’s dad’s place (he doesn’t have an ex), I would split in a second. No way. That’s just psycho. The end.

Why do these holidays get me to thinking so much? My dad has been dead a few years now– I guess it is the longing for what could have been. The longing for reconciliation. I really thought when he found out he had cancer, he’d want to make up with all the people in his life he was angry with. He died angry– with the help of DW and WD, of course. On their part, there is no reconciliation for them that can go back and change what they have done. Instead of letting an old man with cancer find peace, healing and forgiveness, they helped him hold grudges and die angry. Death is final.

I love my “new” family a thousand times more. I count my blessings and move forward. My middle son has a Husky and we’ve been taking daily walks. I wouldn’t give this up for anyone or anything in the world. We share our hopes, dreams and we talk about our faith. He’s started a business making doggy poopy bag holders and worked out the design on our walks. My oldest sone came to visit a few weeks ago and it was such a blessing. Our family is different now, but we are stronger and closer now than we ever have been. I’m in a group with ladies who have gone through similar situations- and today, I was telling some of them who just started the journey, that it will get better. It just takes time. No matter how much time passes, however, you will have memories. It cannot be undone– it is forever, just like death. You have to allow yourself to feel it and move on. I no longer even remember the *anniversaries* — the day he left, the wedding, his birthday, etc. So, if you are going through this– know, with time, you will get better and you will forget. You cannot be intertwined with someone for 26 years, have children together and simply forget. Divorce is painful because in marriage, God makes two one flesh. Divorce rips the flesh apart!

This wasn’t meant to be a sad post. I am not sad…… it just is what it is. My children have a father. Can’t undo that shit anymore than I can undo my dad dying angry. Life goes on and you’ve got to count your blessings.

I am going on vacation in a week. No electricity, no running water…… it’s going to be fun. Our annual birthday trip. We’ve spent a fortune so we can live like homeless people. I’d say that I would post a day by day log, but you all know better than that.