And I will be a father to you. And you shall be sons and daughters to me says the Lord almighty2 Corinthians 6:18
It’s been a good week. I hiked 5.5 miles at Pilot Mountain on Monday, rode 11.5 miles with Marty on the Salem Greenway Tuesday, rode my NordicTrack yesterday and rode 12.5 miles today on the road all by myself. Oh, I also worked. Even when my brain struggles to figure it all out, I’m still enjoying the journey. Sometimes, I just need to get on the water, hike or ride to reset my mind.
We’ve all had people in our lives who have hurt us or disappointed us. It’s just part of the ride. Life with my dad was always pretty difficult. He never told me he was proud of me, instead he would tell me things that really hurt my heart, and bruised my soul. When I was accepted into Officer Candidate School, he told me that he didn’t think I would make it. I cannot possibly list all of the things he told me over the years, but the common denominator was always that I wasn’t good enough. He died without retracting a single one of his bitter statements.
I moved him from California to live here 5 years ago and he wasn’t pleased with how I moved him. He told me numerous time that he would die angry, and he did. He was angry over two sweaters and a jacket that got lost when I shipped his clothes. One day about a year before he passed away, he was yelling at me about about the move and I said, “I tried my best!” I did the best that I could!” He told me, “Your best wasn’t good enough.”
That recording often plays in my head. As I have had to arrange to get his remains shipped to California, I can hear him saying, “You didn’t try hard enough to do it yourself. Your best wasn’t good enough.” I know it isn’t true, but it still hurts. It still makes me wonder if there was more I could do to bring them myself. In the end, I always reach the same conclusion. He needs to be laid to rest.
The things my parents told me over the years don’t define who I am. For far too long, I allowed other people to tell me who and what I was. I allowed their anger to make me miserable. I allowed their angry words to repeat in my head like a broken record. I promised myself that once my dad passed way, I would never allow another person to control me or hurt me with their anger again. And I haven’t.
Today, I rode by myself on the road for the first time ever. I just needed to get out of the house and clear my head. I’ve been hearing my dad’s voice in my head instead of listening to who it is that God says I am. I rode my heart out, even though it may not have seemed that way to onlookers. I cried a little, meditated on who it is He says I am and let it go. I know it won’t be the last time that I will have to remind myself that I am the daughter of the King. I am so thankful that He forgives me when I stumble and loves me unconditionally. My Heavenly Father knows my heart and as long as I’m doing my best for Him, my best is always good enough. For that, I am thankful. I’m going to straighten up my crown now……………..